If heaven is a place on earth...

If Belinda Carlisle is right and heaven is a place on earth, then it surely follows because of the law that for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction, that there must also be a hell?

Buffy the vampire slayer found hers in Sunnydale, California, but I've stumbled upon one a lot closer to home - Ikea, Milton Keynes, on a Sunday.

I'm guessing that many of you are laughing at the naivety of even contemplating heading there at a weekend, but in my defence, I haven't been to Ikea for a very long time, so had no idea of the horrors that would await.

Indeed, when we arrived in the car park at about 10.40am, we were pleasantly surprised to see spaces available.  On entering the shop, which didn't seem too crowded, we discovered why - it doesn't officially open until 11am.

Armed with this knowledge, we headed to the café which was already open - this then gave us our first indication that maybe a rainy Sunday wasn't the best time.

Unsure as to the protocol, we collected mugs and headed to a cashier for guidance.  She told us the hot drinks were free before 11am, and we also got free refills.  She smiled benignly when I expressed amazement at this fact, and I asked her if that's why it was so busy in the café.

A look, which I can only describe as a mixture of fear and anticipated doom, flickered across her eyes as she said sadly 'Oh, it's always very busy on a Sunday'. 

I'll be honest, the free hot chocolate was the highlight of the four hours we spent trudging around the shop, with what seemed like the entire population of Milton Keynes, possibly Northampton, and everywhere else in between.

All human life was there - much like on the Divine Comedy's 'National Express' - from the elderly to screaming babies and children.

I knew some kind of madness was setting in when an elderly lady literally ran past me, clutching a neon pink chopping board like her life depended on it, and we couldn't find the checkout and exit, but were stuck in an endless loop following arrows on the floor.

Maybe next time, we'll go in the week...