Season of mists and new series of GBBO, The X Factor and Strictly Come Dancing...

Never mind the drop in temperature, you can tell it's Autumn because the terrestrial television schedules are packed with new programmes after a summer of what can best be described as blandness.

When I say new programmes, I mean new series of shows that have been running for what seems like an eternity - step forward The X Factor and Strictly Come Dancing - now the prelude to Christmas. 

Note Christmas cards appeared in the shops mid-August this year - soon they'll be available at Easter!

But I'm particularly pleased to welcome back Great British Bake Off to my small screen - that's my Tuesday nights sorted.

Even after just one episode, I'm well and truly hooked - I already care about the competitors and the quality of their bakes.

Not that I agreed at all with Prue and Paul's first week choices for star baker and who left the tent for good.  In my opinion, Briony should have won the coveted apron, and Terry the moustache man should have gone home.  No offence Terry, but I'm not sure that the brandy-snap creation even fulfilled the self-portrait biscuit brief.

I will concede that Imelda, who sadly did leave, made a self-portrait that looked like a small child starting nursery had drawn it, but she did admit at the outset that she wasn't much of an artist.

So I already have my favourites - Briony from Bristol, Anthony the Bollywood baker, and Rahul, who I think could also have an alternative career in The Big Bang Theory if GBBO doesn't pan out, as he's a nuclear scientist.

I hear Manon, the baking blogger from Brittany (yet more alliteration, sorry), is tipped to win, but her self-portrait biscuit was a rather worrying shade of green, like she'd just been on the pirate ship at Wicksteed Park, where I witnessed my brother turn that exact same shade having enjoyed that particular ride.

I shall continue to watch with interest of course, especially as Sandi and Noel appear to have swapped hair-stylists, and Prue is channelling her inner Dame Edna and sporting some rather splendid new specs...

If heaven is a place on earth...

If Belinda Carlisle is right and heaven is a place on earth, then it surely follows because of the law that for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction, that there must also be a hell?

Buffy the vampire slayer found hers in Sunnydale, California, but I've stumbled upon one a lot closer to home - Ikea, Milton Keynes, on a Sunday.

I'm guessing that many of you are laughing at the naivety of even contemplating heading there at a weekend, but in my defence, I haven't been to Ikea for a very long time, so had no idea of the horrors that would await.

Indeed, when we arrived in the car park at about 10.40am, we were pleasantly surprised to see spaces available.  On entering the shop, which didn't seem too crowded, we discovered why - it doesn't officially open until 11am.

Armed with this knowledge, we headed to the café which was already open - this then gave us our first indication that maybe a rainy Sunday wasn't the best time.

Unsure as to the protocol, we collected mugs and headed to a cashier for guidance.  She told us the hot drinks were free before 11am, and we also got free refills.  She smiled benignly when I expressed amazement at this fact, and I asked her if that's why it was so busy in the café.

A look, which I can only describe as a mixture of fear and anticipated doom, flickered across her eyes as she said sadly 'Oh, it's always very busy on a Sunday'. 

I'll be honest, the free hot chocolate was the highlight of the four hours we spent trudging around the shop, with what seemed like the entire population of Milton Keynes, possibly Northampton, and everywhere else in between.

All human life was there - much like on the Divine Comedy's 'National Express' - from the elderly to screaming babies and children.

I knew some kind of madness was setting in when an elderly lady literally ran past me, clutching a neon pink chopping board like her life depended on it, and we couldn't find the checkout and exit, but were stuck in an endless loop following arrows on the floor.

Maybe next time, we'll go in the week...

Exam results time

It's exam results time, and all across the country youngsters, and their parents, are anxiously awaiting the news.

In my day, you had to wait for the Post to arrive to find out how you'd got on - now I guess while some collect them in person, others find out by e-mail or text.

I'm always reminded of my school's exams officer at this time of year.  A formidable lady, Miss C was also kind, extremely efficient and our typing teacher.

One of her expressions has remained with me to this day - 'use a bit of gumption'.

I recall the first time she told our typing class this phrase, some people turning to each other and asking 'what's gumption?', or 'isn't that like Jif cleaner, does she want us to clean the desks?', which is probably one of the reasons she felt the need to say it to us on such a regular basis!

Gumption is common sense, sadly lacking sometimes in all walks of life, although to give a bit of credit to some of my typing class I do think it's also some kind of branded cleaning product as well.

I don't think it's something that can be formally taught, it's usually passed on by family and friends, or by learning from experience and mistakes.

Often the cleverest people just don't have it - their brains are so full of really mind-blowing technical information that there's just no room for the common sense necessities of life.

The reason I'm mentioning this now, is that while exam results are important, they are not the be all and end all, as my mother would say.

Using your common sense - gumption - and working hard, can also help you achieve and get on in life.

So for any young people out there who haven't got the exam results they wanted, please don't worry.  Please talk to somebody if you're upset.  You can always re-sit if you need to - you're young, you have plenty of time. 

The case of the gormless giant garden gnome grappler

'The case of the gormless giant garden gnome grappler' is a book title that Agatha Christie probably would have rejected on the grounds that it just featured too much alliteration, or contained a crime that was too unbelievable.

But this is no work of fiction, it's a very real case, and local in fact.

If you missed this story originally, a couple from Weekley Glebe Road in Kettering had their two-foot tall garden ornament stolen, but the hapless thief was pictured on CCTV, manhandling the oversize gnome before careering headfirst through a fence, like he was auditioning for You've Been Framed.

Sadly, the gnome was later found smashed to pieces, whether as a deliberate act of trying to conceal evidence or just another example of the miscreant being unable to stay upright whilst carrying such a large item of decorative garden fixture, who knows?

The footage has been seen by millions worldwide after it went viral on social media, and was even featured on news sites around the globe.

I have to say, I preferred it when Kettering was known for Wicksteed Park and being the home town of comedian James Acaster and the band Temples, but at least there is now a footnote to this story with a happier ending, as reported in the Northants Telegraph.

Northamptonshire Police officers very kindly bought the elderly couple two replacement giant gnomes, which they did in their spare time lest anyone churlishly accuse them of misuse of police time.

What a lovely gesture, and one that the couple are said to be 'chuffed' with.  It goes part way to restoring your faith in human nature, doesn't it?

The garden gnome grappler is still at large however, but let's hope he has learned his lesson and leaves these and any other outsize neighbourhood ornaments, well enough alone.

It may have been a joke gone wrong, or a drunken prank, but these incidents can be very unsettling for those to whom they happen. 

An apology would be good, gnome grappler!

The hottest, or driest, summer since 1976?

It's official, apparently - it's the hottest, or the driest, summer since 1976.

As I saw somebody say on Twitter, anyone reminiscing fondly about the summer of '76 didn't have a car with vinyl seats.

As somebody who did, I can confirm that peeling yourself off them on a hot summer's day whilst wearing shorts or a sundress was an extremely unpleasant and painful experience!

The hot weather has an unfortunate side effect though - apart from the horrendous thunder storms which knocked out my broadband for five days at the time of writing.

I was woken in the night by the storm which broke the run of extremely hot, dry weather, and took myself off to the bathroom - the inevitable result of being woken in the night when middle-aged - only to have the room illuminated while I was in situ.  My main thought was 'please don't let me be struck by lightning when on the loo!', as that's not a sight I'd want the emergency services to face.

But I digress, no the side effect to which I'm thinking is the seemingly compulsory revealing of as much flesh as possible.

Really, what people do in their own homes or gardens is completely up to them, but when supermarkets feel the need to impose a dress code - i.e. no nakedness please near the fruit and veg - I do have to ask where's common sense these days?

Nobody, I repeat and emphasise, that nobody wants a hairy armpit thrust in their face when they're selecting their veg!

Seriously guys - and it is usually guys, as I've yet to see a topless woman in the supermarket - please pop a t-shirt on when nipping into the shops, if not for decency's sake then for hygiene reasons.

If needs be, channel the vibe of 1976 and think to yourself that you don't want to be burning your back on the car seats on your return, vinyl or no vinyl!

Bank customers are being short-changed

I was sorry to read that Barclays Bank in Thrapston is set to close.  It's always sad to hear that the last bank in a community is to go.

Naively, I thought that the major banks had come to some sort of 'gentlemen's agreement' about not shutting the last bank branch in a town, but it appears that's not the case - at least not here in Northamptonshire.

The same lines are always trotted out by the spokesperson too about the branches not being used as much, the growth in online and mobile banking etc.

But this is forgetting that some people don't do online and mobile banking - some because they don't trust it (that's me), some because they have really poor mobile and internet connections (me sometimes), and some because they prefer to deal with actual human beings (definitely me).

What about small businesses needing change for their tills and to bank their takings?

What about the elderly who like to pop in and pay their bills, get out what cash they need and exchange pleasantries with the cashiers?

Banks seem to be forgetting that we are their customers and they should be there to serve us and our communities - we entrust them with our money, and expect to be able to easily visit a branch and see them when we need to.

Let's not forget that when the Visa system crashed so spectacularly the other week, all those reliant on cards alone were stuck, unable to pay for goods and services.

When the TSB computer system left people unable to access their accounts, wouldn't it have been good if their customers could have headed into a branch and sorted out their problems instead of spending huge chunks of their lives on the phone being repeatedly cut off?

The banks need to remember that not everybody is a young, tech-savvy urban dweller with the latest smartphone and no cash in their pockets - and indeed it's very insulting that's what the major banks seem to think makes up the bulk of their customer profile these days!